By Daniel Bobinski
Anger is a universal human emotion, but it doesn’t fly well in human relationships. This is particularly true when working in high-pressure situations. Whether it’s from feeling slighted or dealing with uncooperative people, mismanaged anger can have long-lasting negative ripple-effects.
Notice I didn’t say we shouldn’t be angry. It’s what we do when we get angry that makes the difference.
Confession time. Early in my career I struggled with anger. To help me get a handle on it, my mentor at the time, the late Alex Goodman, told me, “Whenever people get angry at others, they’re usually angry with themselves.” Initially, I resisted this idea. Surely the actions of others were justification for my frustration.
However, as I reflected on what he was teaching me, I realized that most of my anger stemmed from me failing to address preventable issues beforehand. Almost always, when I got angry it was because of one of two reasons.
- Something was happening I didn’t want to have happen
- Something wasn’t happening that I wanted to have happen
In my personal and professional growth, I needed to learn to think ahead and communicate better. I needed to ask clarifying questions. Just asking “Do you understand?” doesn’t cut it. Anyone can answer yes, but it doesn’t prove that the person, in fact, understands.
Also, mistakes will happen, but how we deal with them makes all the difference. If we think getting angry will prevent future mistakes, then we’ve not yet learned that mistakes are best viewed as opportunities for learning.
We Can’t Discount Anger
All that said, we need to realize that anger has its place. In infancy, anger is how we communicate our unmet needs. Small babies can’t talk so they use anger to get attention for getting fed or getting a diaper changed. However, over time, as children develop language, they need to be taught to communicate their needs with respect.
We also need to realize that anger is one of the seven core universal human emotions, so in high-stress environments, it’s not uncommon for people to unconsciously default to anger as a way to get their wants and needs met. This is not an excuse for relying on anger, it just helps us understand why we might display it.
It Helps to Plan Ahead
Remember I said that anger is often a result of not thinking ahead or being unprepared? One technique for solving that is by improving team briefings. Working to create clear communications and expectations goes a long way in preventing frustrations.
Another thing we can do personally is plan ahead. When we’re in a calm state we can ask ourselves, “What’s the root cause of my frustration?” and “What can I do proactively to prevent that from getting the best of me in the future?”
Bottom line, anger is a natural emotion, but when left unchecked, it can disrupt the best of relationships. By employing practical strategies, we can turn moments of frustration into opportunities for growth.
