By Daniel Bobinski
Daniel Bobinski
The word motivation is a synonym for “reason to move.” Knowing our own motivation is important for self-management, and recognizing other people’s motivations helps with having empathy, a key component in relationship management.
What was interesting for me to learn was that many of our basic, fundamental motivations are formed when we’re small children. In fact, most are in place before the age of five! What are the catalysts for this? The answer is, “significant emotional events.” Put another way, when we experience a strong positive emotion during a particular event, we are imprinted to find value in those types of events. The opposite is true if we experience a strong negative emotion during any given event.
Consider the following example. A young couple recently bought a home in a quiet suburban neighborhood. It’s a beautiful spring day, and the couple is in their front yard with their 18-month-old identical twins.
Dad is a dog lover. He grew up with dogs and thinks dogs make the best pets. Conversely, mom is a cat lover. She thinks dogs are slobbery, disgusting creatures and she wants nothing to do with them.
While the family is enjoying the beautiful sunshine, a neighbor comes down the street walking his large, undisciplined German Shepherd. The dog sees the couple’s children in the yard and starts barking as he pulls on the leash while trying to make his way toward the kids.
Dad thinks nothing of it. All he sees is a beautiful animal, and he tells the neighbor, “Nice dog!” But mom is terrified. Visibly shaken, she’s fearful her twins will become the dog’s afternoon snack.
With the commotion of the dog barking, the young children are wondering what to make of this new situation. The child closest to dad looks up and sees dad calmly smiling, giving the neighbor a thumbs up. Taking a cue from dad, the child relaxes and smiles, and the result is a positive emotional imprint.
The child closest to mom looks up at her and sees extreme fear. Taking a cue from that impression, the child starts crying, and the emotional imprint is decidedly negative.
Here you have identical twins receiving very different imprints from the same event. If this happens a few more times, the first child will grow to love dogs while the second child will despise them.
People’s attitudes about money, aesthetics, the acquisition of knowledge, power, altruism, and systems for living are formed, in large part, because of emotional imprints in your youth. This is valuable to know because these attitudes drive our decisions and behaviors. Can those values change? Yes, if they are overwritten by another significant emotional event.
When we think about our own viewpoints and realize that significant emotional events helped form them, then it’s easier to have empathy when interacting with people who hold distinctly different values from our own.
Unfortunately, when it comes to motivators and values, it’s easy to ascribe the ideas of right and wrong. Good emotional intelligence suggests that we look past the right/wrong paradigm and exercise empathy while striving for win-win outcomes.
