By Daniel Bobinski
While at a shopping center recently, I walked past several groups of people engaged in conversations using different languages. One sounded Eastern European, the other sounded Spanish. I didn’t understand any of what was being said, but their voice tones told me a lot.
In one group, the person doing most of the talking spoke with gentile softness. In the other group, the person carrying most of the conversation sounded angry and condescending. It wasn’t violent, but I would not have wanted to be on the receiving end of that person’s words.
A common consensus is that 68 percent of communication is body language and seven percent is word choices. The remaining 25 percent is voice tone. When thinking about the impact of voice tone, consider the following axioms:
- A soft answer turns away wrath.
- A sharp tongue kills without drawing blood.
Those statements reflect two perspectives. The first reflects that “tact is just as important as truth,” and the second aligns with, “truth is more important than tact.”
With the former, a person creates the weather by not reacting harshly to bad news or when faced with direct challenges from others. Such people tend to be more diplomatic. They see possibilities more easily and believe that gentle voice tones can often diffuse another person’s anger.
I’ll never forget the situation in which an upset CEO raised his voice and was in blame mode. He was angry that someone on his executive team misunderstood the urgency of a matter. I was part of the conversation when the CEO flared up, and I sought to diffuse the situation by asking that the three of us sit down to discuss the matter. The CEO stated he would not sit down, but knowing it was a good de-escalation technique, I said, “Well, I’ve been standing most of the day, so if you don’t mind, I’m going to sit.”
That set a tone, and in less than three minutes the CEO sat down next to me. I used a calm voice and asked clarifying questions, and in no time the CEO felt heard. Moments later he was even laughing about the hiccup.
Other people are more wired for the “truth is more important than tact” approach, and they need to be careful. The thing is, even a normally calm person can be on edge due to confrontations or bad news.
You can exercise emotional intelligence by creating good weather. The late poet, Maya Angelou once said, “People will forget what you said and will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
My only adjustment for Angelou’s statement is remembering that we can’t make people feel anything – they choose how they feel. But each of us creates weather with our voice tone.
Bottom line, think though ahead of time how you want to respond when you are challenged or when things go south. More often than not, how we say something can be more important than the words being said.
– Daniel Bobinski is author of the best-selling book, “Creating Passion-Driven Teams,” and president of Leadership Development Inc. He’s been helping organizations of all shapes and sizes since 1989. Learn more at www.eqfactor.net or reach Daniel at 208-649-6400.
