By Daniel Bobinski
Here’s a question I pose to management teams everywhere: “Who has taken a speech class?” Nearly every hand shoots up. “Who has taken a writing class?” Again, almost every hand. Then I ask, “Who has taken a class on listening skills?” In decades of asking that question, only two people kept their hands raised.
Listening is an essential part of communication. Unfortunately, studies show that billions of dollars are wasted annually due to poor communication. People learn how to speak and write, but they rarely learn how to listen.
This problem stems from a basic misunderstanding. Most people think hearing and listening are the same thing. They’re not. Hearing is just perceiving sound in your ear. Listening is genuinely trying to understand the meaning behind someone’s words. In other words, genuinely grasping the heart of what someone is thinking, feeling, wanting or fearing.
The late Stephen Covey cautioned strongly against autobiographical listening. Real listening requires focusing on the other person’s thoughts and feelings, not your own. Allow me to list what I call listening “sins.” That is, activities that diminish our communications.
Seven Deadly Sins of Not Listening
• Filtering means you only tune into what you want to agree with, mentally shutting off anything that challenges your views.
• Second-guessing happens when you assume someone’s motives. People will know you’re not listening if you say, “You’re doing this because … “ when that wasn’t their motivation at all.
• Discounting occurs when you dismiss someone’s message simply because you don’t like them personally, or don’t like their appearance or speaking style.
• Relating is when every story reminds you of your own experience – which you then share.
• Rehearsing means you’ve already crafted your response and you’re playing it over in your head until it’s your turn to speak.
• Forecasting happens when your brain races ahead, trying to predict where their story is going instead of staying present with their current words.
• Placating involves agreeing with everything to avoid conflict, even when you genuinely disagree.
These might be harmless during casual conversations with trusted colleagues. But when tension and conflict arise, these sins become communication killers.
Better listening skills
To be a better listener, focus genuinely on understanding the other person’s perspective, but avoid saying “I understand” or “I know how you feel.” These phrases put the attention to you, not the other person. Instead, try phrases like, “It sounds like you’re frustrated” or “You seem really concerned about this.” This demonstrates you’re truly listening without claiming you know their experience.
When you practice real listening, people feel heard, and that’s a powerful thing. When people feel heard, they lower their defenses, and the door opens for genuine problem-solving.
Bottom line, listening is an extremely powerful skill. Unfortunately, we spend years learning to express ourselves but virtually no time learning to understand others. Here’s a bonus: when people feel genuinely heard, they’re far more likely to listen to you in return.
So here’s my challenge: the next time you’re in a difficult conversation, focus on understanding the other person first. Then watch how much more effective your communication becomes.
