By Daniel Bobinski, Th.D.
Perhaps you’ve seen workplace conflicts continue unresolved. People stop talking, tension abounds and productivity plummets. In many cases, the real barrier to resolution isn’t the topic of the dispute, but something deeper. It’s fear.
Don’t misunderstand. We need fear in our lives. It keeps us from stepping into traffic or swimming in dangerous waters. But the same emotion that protects us can also sabotage our efforts at resolving conflict. When people are afraid, they can dig in their heels, resisting even reasonable solutions.
To be better at resolving conflict, it helps to minimize people’s fears. Therefore, it helps to know that five universal fears affect everyone. Let’s look at these common fears so we can work to minimize them.
The Five Universal Fears
Fear of criticism tops the list. Nobody likes being criticized, even if it’s constructive. We know we need feedback to improve, but receiving suggestions for improvement can still sting.
Fear of failure runs equally deep. People do not want to look incompetent, so they’ll often resist any discussion that shows how they were doing something wrong.
Fear of rejection taps into our fundamental need to belong. Human beings are wired for connection, and the prospect of being cast out or losing relationships can be terrifying.
Fear of not getting what you want can even prevent people from engaging in conflict resolution. If someone believes the outcome won’t meet their expectations, they might avoid participating in the process.
Fear of losing what you have keeps people protective and territorial. When people worry that resolving a conflict might cost them something valuable, they become resistant to participate.
These fears exist in everyone to varying degrees. In conflict resolution, the mistake most people make is focusing solely on solving the problem while ignoring the emotional landscape. That can be like trying to perform abdominal surgery while a patient is still conscious. Patients aren’t eager to try it.
Making Fear Your Ally
The goal is not to eliminate these fears. The objective is to minimize fears to the point people feel safe enough to engage in honest problem-solving.
This is where emotional intelligence is crucial. Then, when you can help people feel heard and understood, their fear levels drop significantly. Instead of seeing conflict resolution as a threat, they can see it as an opportunity to improve their situation.
Bottom line, if we are involved in working to resolve a conflict, we should acknowledge that the conflict is probably uncomfortable for everyone involved. We need to allow people to express their concerns without judgment, because without people feeling heard, finding a solution will be difficult.
In other words, when we acknowledge that fears exist and work to minimize them, we often discover the actual problem is much easier to solve. I’ve found those who are most effective at conflict resolution aren’t the ones who can argue the best case, they’re the ones who can help people feel safe enough to let their guard down enough to work toward a solution.
