By Daniel Bobinski
In my most recent column in this space I addressed what Stephen Covey called, “Finding the Third Alternative,” a mindset and method for arriving at resolution when disagreement exists. The Third Alternative is an aspect of Covey’s sixth habit, “Synergize.”
The definition of synergize is different from compromise. Compromise occurs when you or the other party or both parties give something up in order to arrive at an agreed-upon action for moving forward. In compromise, neither party truly gets what they want. In their quest for progress, both parties agree to give up some of what they originally wanted.
Covey’s sixth habit of effective people involves adding a solid serving of patience into the proceedings along with a good dose of listening skills, all while not letting go of hope for getting the results you want. Another way of describing this is achieving a balance of resolve and consideration. Resolve to get what you want, while at the same time considering what the other person wants, and sincerely wanting them to get it.
Patience is of the utmost importance here. If we’re plowing forward to arrive at course of action but are giving up some of what we want in the process, then are we truly winning?
Power of purposeful thinking
So many times throughout the day, people say and do things but remain unconscious of their reasons for doing so. A common example is sharing stories of things that happened in our past. We tell such stories, usually in social settings, for the purpose of deepening our relationships with others. But are these stories always necessary?
The answer is no.
I’m using storying telling only as an example because it’s a universal activity. Pretty much everyone except the most introverted individuals participates. But think about it. What is the real purpose of telling stories from our past? In almost every instance, we are hoping someone will find something of interest – in us. Therefore, when we acknowledge that the underlying purpose includes bringing attention to us, we can ask ourselves, “Do I really need or want the attention drawn to me?”
With this understanding, one powerful question we can ask of ourselves is, “What is my purpose for saying ‘X’ ”? Is it to create an atmosphere in which the person feels heard and valued, or is it to draw attention to ourselves?
If we are to practice the nuts and bolts that Covey puts forth – of giving serious consideration to the other person’s desires, and also being politely firm about what we want – then we need to think in terms of “purpose” for each step of that process.
It’s an amazingly powerful question that can have a significant impact on our relationships: “What is my purpose for saying ‘X’ or asking ‘Y’ ”?
If the purpose is to help the other person be heard and valued, or if it’s to ensure that we’re making clear what we need or want, then we’re on the right track.
The key to success when striving for synergy is to balance the two.
Daniel Bobinski is a best-selling author and a popular speaker at conferences and retreats. For more than 30 years he’s been working with teams and individuals (1:1 coaching) to help them achieve excellence. He was also teaching Emotional Intelligence since before it was a thing. Reach Daniel by email at danielbobinski@protonmail.com or his office: (208) 375-7606.
