By Daniel Bobinski
Daniel Bobinski
One problem that gets in the way of moving forward in building collaborative teams is when someone on the team has little or no concern for other people’s thoughts or feelings. Many reasons can exist for a lack of caring, but one common reason is the existence of an emotional wall, which usually formed because of a significant event in a person’s past.
I will not play psychotherapist here, but as co-workers and as fellow human beings, we can strive to create environments in which people feel safe enough to move past the obstacles living in their brains – and hearts.
Modeling what we want
I’m assuming you’ve heard the golden rule: treat others the way you want to be treated. If we want others to understand and care about others, then we need to show our understanding and display our caring. What follows are some ways to do that. Granted, you may look at this list and say, “Yes, I already know those things,” but my response will be, “That’s great, but how well are you doing them?” As another saying goes, there’s always room for improvement.
Active Listening: Hearing is perceiving a sound by ear. We can hear things but that doesn’t mean we’re listening, and people instinctively know which they’re getting from you. To actively listen, we need to pay full attention to what’s being said. That means pushing away from a cellphone or computer or whatever else we were working on and look at the person speaking.
A great way to actively listen is to ask yourself in your own head, “What is this person thinking or feeling?” If you can use your own words to articulate the thoughts or feelings of what’s being conveyed, then that’s an excellent indicator that you are actively listening.
- Respect Different Styles: This is an area that is often overlooked. If we want respect to be a core value on our team, then we need to practice it in everything we do, including listening. One big area is decision making. More than half the population have personality styles that need time to think things through. It is disrespectful to demand fast answers or fast decisions from them. This doesn’t mean we can’t have deadlines and expectations, but we create a safer and often more productive environment when those goals and deadlines are mutually established. One could spend years studying styles and, frankly, the time invested in learning them pays off.
- Personal Beliefs: Our society has become polarized on many issues, and our opinions do not fall off once we walk through the workplace door. It’s OK to disagree with others, the key is to do it agreeably. In many situations, we can simply nod and move on, without having to debate who’s right and who’s wrong. After all, such an approach does not create safe environments, as walls are likely to remain up. In fact, they often get reinforced.
When discussing emotional intelligence with others, I often say that the shorthand definition is that people want to feel safe – and if we work to create environment in which people are likely to feel safe, then we create the foundation for good collaborative bridges to be built.
Daniel Bobinski, who has a doctorate in theology, is a best-selling author and a popular speaker at conferences and retreats. For more than 30 years he’s been working with teams and individuals (1:1 coaching) to help them achieve excellence. He was also teaching Emotional Intelligence since before it was a thing. Reach him by email at DanielBobinski@protonmail.com or 208-375-7606.
