By Daniel Bobinski
The concept of emotional intelligence (EQ) has evolved considerably since psychologists Peter Salovey and John Mayer first coined the term in 1990. Their work laid the foundation for one of today’s most important ideas, but as with many new concepts, definitions get refined over time. And rightfully so.
Daniel Goleman is credited with popularizing the term emotional intelligence via his 1995 bestseller of that name. Goleman defined EQ as “the ability to identify, assess, and control one’s own emotions, the emotions of others, and that of groups.” His work pushed EQ into our vocabulary, but in my opinion, his definition had a problem. He said we should “control” others’ emotions. I don’t think we should try to control other people’s emotions. What we can do is perceive, understand, and respond appropriately.
Salovey and Mayer’s original definition was, “the ability to monitor one’s own and others’ feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one’s thinking and actions.” Their definition included self-awareness and social awareness with a nod to practical use, which is good. But still, I wasn’t a fan. Most folks think of the word “discriminate” in a negative sense, even though it means only to choose among various options.
Later, the Dictionary of Psychology offered a thorough definition of EQ, but it’s far too long for people to remember and use.
My perspective is that people facing challenging interactions need a simpler framework. So, after decades working with teams, I decided to create my own definition. Here it is:
“An intelligence that enables you to perceive and assess your own and other people’s emotions, desires, and tendencies, and then choose the best course of action based on that perception to obtain the best result for everyone.”
This definition has several key components. First, instead of control, it emphasizes perception and assessment. But what do we perceive and assess?
Three things: emotions, desires, and tendencies.
Identifying emotions doesn’t have to be difficult. Psychologist Robert Plutchik identified eight core emotions – four positive (joy, trust, surprise, and anticipation) and four not-so-positive (fear, sadness, disgust, and anger). To make it easier, we could say EQ involves noticing our own and other people’s moods.
Next, we perceive and assess our own and the other person’s tendencies. The main focus is behavioral, cognitive, and attitudinal tendencies. Everyone has a usual way for how they handle problems, people, and their preferred pace. Also, everyone has a natural cognitive tendency for how they notice new information and make decisions.
Then, based on perceptions made in the moment, we can choose the best action for all concerned. This prioritizes outcomes that benefit everyone. It’s true win-win thinking.
As you can see, practicing good EQ isn’t about controlling others or winning at all costs. Instead, those who practice good EQ seek win-win solutions in which everyone’s needs and concerns matter.
Once we understand emotions, desires, and tendencies and respond in a way that’s win-win, that’s good emotional intelligence.
