By Daniel Bobinski
One of the most practical conflict resolution tools available is found in Stephen Covey’s best-selling book, “7 Habits of Highly Effective People.” That tool is Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then be Understood.
As described previously in this space, Habit 5 is the manifestation that follows the mindset described in Habit 4: Think Win-Win. The nice thing about Habit 5 is we are given a specific order of events to follow.
- Seek to understand the other person’s perspective
- Seek to communicate our perspective
The order is important, because as the old adage goes, people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. Covey’s fifth habit is valuable here, because you will demonstrate you care if you seek to understand other people’s perspectives before trying to communicate your own.
Going through the motions just won’t do. It’s important that we truly seek to understand the other person’s perspective. If we don’t have a genuine desire to understand another’s point of view and we mechanically go through the motions, the sincerity of our character can be called into question. When that happens, trust can waiver, making forward progress more difficult.
Said another way, it doesn’t matter if we think we understand someone else. If the other person doesn’t believe it, it won’t matter what we think. For this method to work, it is incumbent upon us to clearly demonstrate the fact that we’re truly listening.
Also, if we don’t genuinely understand, there’s a good chance any solution we suggest for solving a problem won’t truly fix the problem. Covey’s phrase to prevent this from happening comes in the form of a simple phrase: diagnose before you prescribe.
Diagnose before you prescribe
Allow me to ask – have you ever been to a doctor or other professional who simply went through the motions of acting like listening was occurring, but you could tell that wasn’t the case?
Imagine going to a doctor because you have pain in your abdomen. Your doctor nods her head a few times as you describe your symptoms, then says you have a bad case of gas and prescribes some antacids. If her lack of genuine listening results in a wrong diagnosis, you could end up with a ruptured appendix.
By the same token, your doctor may nod her head a few times and then proclaim your pain is caused by appendicitis. Before you know it, you’re being wheeled into the operating room for an appendectomy. What a horrible situation that would be if the true cause of your pain was only a bad case of gas!
Covey emphasizes the need to diagnose before we prescribe. Every situation is different. Even if a problem we’re hearing about is 90 percent like 100 problems we’ve solved before, there’s still a 10 percent differential, and if we’re not truly listening, that 10 percent difference could change everything about the best way to move forward.
In the field of emotional intelligence, this skill of genuinely listening and genuinely caring about what someone is trying to communicate is called empathy. It comes easier to some than to others, but I’m a firm believer that if people set their mind to practice it, it’s a skill that can be learned.
