By Daniel Bobinski
If you’ve never done any studying into emotional intelligence, it’s possible to have some misunderstandings. The new year is right around the corner, and since at least two thirds of the difference between average and top performers is emotional intelligence, I’d like to dismantle a few EQ misconceptions and open wider the door of understanding for people who want to strengthen their position as top performers.
Let’s start with a clarification. Learning emotional intelligence does not mean one must become emotional. EQ starts with knowing that the atmospheres we help create can lead others to experience various emotions, and also understanding how our words, voice tone, and body language impact other people’s thinking and actions.
The underscoring “a-ha” for some in that last sentence is that we contribute to the atmosphere when interacting with others. Whether it’s email, phone calls or face-to-face, our word choices, voice tone and body language contribute to the atmosphere. That’s why the starting point for learning EQ is always self-awareness, and the underlying principle I’m emphasizing here is that our own words, voice tone and body language choices have an impact.
Notice I used the word, “choices.” We may be upset about something, but we still have choices in how we present ourselves. Understanding the ripple effects of our choices is where the intelligence part comes in when talking about emotional intelligence.
Another clarification comes with the word, “control” Some definitions of EQ say that we should be able to control our emotions and the emotions of the others. With the greatest emphasis possible, I disagree with the last part of those definitions. Control our own emotions, yes. Control others’ emotions? Absolutely not. To attempt to control someone else removes that person’s free choice. It attempts to make the other person a robot, and I would never, ever advocate for that.
Having said that, I refer back to my previous point – we must be wise about the atmosphere we help create. Never will we be able to control someone else’s emotions – nor should we want to – but we do want to create atmospheres in which people are likely to feel safe. We should want others to express themselves clearly and without retribution. That is a far cry from controlling someone.
One mindset that helps tremendously in practicing EQ is “think win-win.” The phrase was made popular as the 4th habit in Stephen Covey’s book, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.” Think of saying it this way: “I want to win, and I want you to win.” And then asking, “What is your definition of a win?” With that approach, the possibility of attempting to control someone else’s emotions is greatly diminished.
Bottom line, learning EQ does not mean we must become emotional. It means we must understand the ripple effects of our own words, voice tone and body language and how those impact an environment. It also means we shouldn’t want to control others, but rather get the win-win parameters on the table and work with others in amenable ways to achieve those desired outcomes. All of the above benefits from a solid self-awareness on many levels, but that’s a topic for a different column.
– Daniel Bobinski is author of the best-selling book, “Creating Passion-Driven Teams,” and president of Leadership Development Inc. He’s been helping organizations of all shapes and sizes since 1989. Learn more at www.eqfactor.net or reach Daniel at 208-649-6400.
