By Daniel Bobinski
In his book, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey emphasized that we can’t proceed to high levels of effectiveness if we act like an island. As we mature, we grow from being dependent to becoming independent. But then, to truly advance, we must learn the skills of becoming interdependent.
Being interdependent means working with people, not against them. It means fostering an atmosphere of collaboration, and it’s easier for that to happen if we have an attitude of collaboration.
One key component in the equation that gets us there is empathy. Unfortunately, that word gets interpreted differently by different people, so I like to start closer to the beginning. One component in the foundation of empathy is the idea of “understanding.” Another is “caring.” Both have to come together in order for empathy to emerge, and empathy is necessary for good emotional intelligence.
Empathy at the component level
Let’s take a closer look at two of the components of empathy. Understanding is grasping the meaning or significance of something. It goes beyond basic awareness and connects multiple pieces of information so that ripple effects can be ascertained.
Caring involves at least a modicum amount of concern and compassion. It means getting out of our own paradigms and seeking to be aware of someone else’s thoughts and/or feelings.
Let’s be frank. We all know people who don’t seem to care what anyone else is thinking or feeling. It can be hard to work with such people.
It could be that such people don’t understand how anything could be different from how they see the world. Maybe they haven’t grasped it yet, or maybe they don’t even want to. The former is easier to work with than the latter, because if someone wants to understand, then the key to moving forward is finding the bridge that establishes that understanding.
But for someone who doesn’t want to understand, the first step becomes building the bridge, not finding it. That can be enormously difficult if the person has no desire for a bridge. I can tell you after decades of experience, when a person has no desire for bridges but the person’s technical skills are needed on a team, that’s usually when an executive coach is needed. Good coaches can systematically walk people through the benefits of having bridges and help a person make a conscious choice to build them.
However, assuming that people already have a desire for understanding, the next necessary component in building collaboration is caring. Again, someone needs to want to care. Nobody can force anyone to care. So if someone has understanding but little to no caring, this is when an educational effort is needed.
I can tell you that this does not happen well publicly. People need to save face, and often times people don’t show caring because of significant events in their past that caused them to build an emotional wall. Getting through or around that wall requires what I call a “safe” environment. That has to be constructed, too, but more on that in next month’s column.
